So much to say

7/26/14 22:23

I completed my first 5k today. My body, despite some pain because I didn't prepare at all, is thruming with post-cardio glee. Not long ago I had forgotten what that felt like. It feels amazing. I feel amazing.

This month has been a mixed bag. Work has been mentally tough and not in a positive, productive way. But even that is driving me to let go of old fears and find my own balance, so I am thankful for it.

I've taken more time off to just be and to reconnect with my own dreams, goals and needs. It so hard to put into words how I feel...but I am getting back to me and the kind of person I want to be and it just feels right. I have a direction, a plan, but my plan is openness and just allowing the right steps to present themselves.

There's something amazing about climbing into a freshly made bed. So inviting, so reassuring, a haven from a wild world with my adorable pup snuggled up close.

I'm busy, taking every opportunity and being fully present in the now rather than throwing this moment away in anticipation of the next.

My body is getting stronger, my nutrition is improving, I can feel the momentum building, moving toward a healthier more active me.

My physical therapist is teaching me to stand and walk in correct alignment for the first time ever. It's changing my life in a thousand little ways- and big ones- giving me balance, strength, mobility and most importantly, eliminating pain.

I've learned to techniques to support my horses in their strength and range of motion (ironically taught to me by the physical therapist helping me!) which also help me in reading and understanding them.

I've been camping with my family and tried paddle boarding for the first time (loved it!), played softball and sand volleyball, been to a concert at the county fair, indulged in solo sushi dinners, made new friends, reconnected with old ones, have a healthy tan just from enjoying what I love and the horses have hay put up for the winter (a HUGE relief both because of limited supply and cost).

I've resolved to declutter and find new homes for a third of my belongings. There's something so liberating about letting go of things that don't bring joy into your life!

I'm about to establish an LLC and embark on a new business. I sold a giant pile of old horse equipment I do not need or want and made a bit of cash at the same time.

I just feel amazing in a sustainable way. I can't think of anything to be more thankful for than that.

Well then...

Okay, so I missed a month and a half. It's been a great month and a half too! Today I went to Art in the Vineyard, a local event with wineries and artists at Alton Baker Park in Eugene, Oregon. It's my Dad's and my 'thing' so we hit the wineries and tasted delicious local wines, ate fair food and looked at art created by artisans from all over the country. All in all, a very fun day with my Dad!

A Little Lost. A Little Found.

5/20/14 Tuesday 23:10

I've been off work a week, recovering from surgery. I'm supposed to have another week before I go back to work.

I don't want to go back the same person who left. The world has been racing by these last years and I have grown and matured. I'm proud of what I've learned and accomplished. And I'm ready for my external life to reflect all my internal changes. But I've been so busy surviving the status quo, that I haven't really progressed on the the things that will give me the future I want.

This last week has grounded me, let me breathe, shown me how incredibly lucky I am. I have so many people who love me, believe in me, support me, I get teary just thinking about them. How did I get so lucky? How did we find each other? These people all do more for me than I do for them, why doesn't that seem to bother them? I want to do more for them, but when I see the opportunity to do something special, it seems to pass before I can get a handle on it. I want to be the person who spoils her friends and family, remembers and commemorates every birthday, holiday, special event and just because days. Even that takes money.

I hate the feeling of scarcity that has dogged my heels my entire life. I know the key to no scarcity is not living that way. To just letting if go and letting the practical take care if itself. But how? When the horses need hay, the fridge is empty and so is the bank account and the gas tank, how do I not feel lack?

If I can figure that out, then I'm done with this lesson. The same lesson I've been getting schooled on my whole life, but still can't seem to figure out. I would really, REALLY like to graduate to the next life lesson.

But how? This next week I want to refocus on being open and leaving lack behind. I want to escape and write, just be. And I want to move forward.

I want to figure out why I keep having these mini anxiety attacks- a rush of adrenaline and a racing heart- from just a glimmer of a thought. I don't even know what the thought is, it's just background noise in my head.

I want to be one with my horse, move with him rather than being on a different wavelength, both of us desperately trying to connect, and failing.

Most of all I want to reclaim my zest. I am floating along at a low level of happy, which is better than sad!, but I want my enthusiasm, my emotion, my highes, my big dreams and huge plans back. I want joyful rushes if adrenaline and racing heart.

I guess I just want ME back.

Breathing

5/13/14 Tuesday 22:38

I feel amazing. I can BREATHE. Easily, freely and without thought.

Today the ENT I self referred to performed surgery on my septum, sinuses and turbinates. My nose is splinted and draining gruesomely, but I can breathe. For the first time. I didn't even realize how HARD, how EXHAUSTING breathing has always been. I thought this surgery might help me breathe during exercise and while sleeping. Might. Now I believe it will completely change my life.

For years I've struggled with fatigue and funky muscle reactions. I've completed two Whole 30 strict paleo diets in the pursuit of being the physical person trapped inside. It helped, but the symptoms persisted.

And now... everything is possible, plausible! I had quite the day and I am just now ready to sleep, despite the post surgery drug cocktail on board and the healing to still take place.

Wow.

Just WOW.

This weekend I was trying to clean the house, the car, do laundry, change the linens, do dishes, organize files, etc, etc. And I read books. I didn't have the energy, the drive to accomplish setting myself up for a successful recovery. I read book upon book instead. I tried and got some done, but finally I had to let go.

Let go of trying to be perfect. Let go of being my best all the time. Let go of doing it ALL. Let go of independence.

Accepted my need for help. Accepted my inability to 'git r done'. Accepted my imperfection.

I got the important stuff done. Not perfect, not ideal, but the goal was met. To take of myself before I was unable to do so.

Now I wonder...what will life be like with oxygen flooding my brain, my heart, my muscles? Will I stop having to fight every single day just to find the energy for the basic requirements of life? Of my love and passion for horses? What will breathing do for my riding? For my love of running but the misery of oxygen starvation while trying?

Wow.

Just WOW.

Such an incredible future to look forward to.

Summer's Coming!

5/7/14 Wednesday 14:14

I'm at the anesthesiologist's office waiting for my appointment, it's a glorious day and I've had a sudden invite to drive to the coast tonight. Pretty excited!

Cinco de Mayo

5/5/15 Monday 13:58

It's been a very up and down day. I'm off work and the weather was gorgeous this morning. I'm just thankful to have a day away from work, to think and reflect and just breathe for a minute.

Hanging Out

4/26/14 16:14

I'm waiting for my tires to get rotated so I have some free time and I'm not putting off posting anymore.

Its been a good month. Getting things in order, scheduling sinus surgery, starting physical therapy, changing my diet and giving up sugar, caffeine and grains, horses have all their vet, chiropractic and farrier car current and look great post-shedding.

I washed and polished up my car so it doesn't look so neglected! Yesterday I changed my own oil for the first time. Now that I've done that, I can say I'd rather pay somebody else to do it! But I have a certain oil and filter I want to use, so I'm kind of stuck doing it myself.

I'm still not feeling awesome, but hopefully in about 3 months, after I've healed from surgery, have been eating better and learn how to stand/move properly in physical therapy, I'll be a whole new person!