Breathing

5/13/14 Tuesday 22:38

I feel amazing. I can BREATHE. Easily, freely and without thought.

Today the ENT I self referred to performed surgery on my septum, sinuses and turbinates. My nose is splinted and draining gruesomely, but I can breathe. For the first time. I didn't even realize how HARD, how EXHAUSTING breathing has always been. I thought this surgery might help me breathe during exercise and while sleeping. Might. Now I believe it will completely change my life.

For years I've struggled with fatigue and funky muscle reactions. I've completed two Whole 30 strict paleo diets in the pursuit of being the physical person trapped inside. It helped, but the symptoms persisted.

And now... everything is possible, plausible! I had quite the day and I am just now ready to sleep, despite the post surgery drug cocktail on board and the healing to still take place.

Wow.

Just WOW.

This weekend I was trying to clean the house, the car, do laundry, change the linens, do dishes, organize files, etc, etc. And I read books. I didn't have the energy, the drive to accomplish setting myself up for a successful recovery. I read book upon book instead. I tried and got some done, but finally I had to let go.

Let go of trying to be perfect. Let go of being my best all the time. Let go of doing it ALL. Let go of independence.

Accepted my need for help. Accepted my inability to 'git r done'. Accepted my imperfection.

I got the important stuff done. Not perfect, not ideal, but the goal was met. To take of myself before I was unable to do so.

Now I wonder...what will life be like with oxygen flooding my brain, my heart, my muscles? Will I stop having to fight every single day just to find the energy for the basic requirements of life? Of my love and passion for horses? What will breathing do for my riding? For my love of running but the misery of oxygen starvation while trying?

Wow.

Just WOW.

Such an incredible future to look forward to.