A Little Lost. A Little Found.

5/20/14 Tuesday 23:10

I've been off work a week, recovering from surgery. I'm supposed to have another week before I go back to work.

I don't want to go back the same person who left. The world has been racing by these last years and I have grown and matured. I'm proud of what I've learned and accomplished. And I'm ready for my external life to reflect all my internal changes. But I've been so busy surviving the status quo, that I haven't really progressed on the the things that will give me the future I want.

This last week has grounded me, let me breathe, shown me how incredibly lucky I am. I have so many people who love me, believe in me, support me, I get teary just thinking about them. How did I get so lucky? How did we find each other? These people all do more for me than I do for them, why doesn't that seem to bother them? I want to do more for them, but when I see the opportunity to do something special, it seems to pass before I can get a handle on it. I want to be the person who spoils her friends and family, remembers and commemorates every birthday, holiday, special event and just because days. Even that takes money.

I hate the feeling of scarcity that has dogged my heels my entire life. I know the key to no scarcity is not living that way. To just letting if go and letting the practical take care if itself. But how? When the horses need hay, the fridge is empty and so is the bank account and the gas tank, how do I not feel lack?

If I can figure that out, then I'm done with this lesson. The same lesson I've been getting schooled on my whole life, but still can't seem to figure out. I would really, REALLY like to graduate to the next life lesson.

But how? This next week I want to refocus on being open and leaving lack behind. I want to escape and write, just be. And I want to move forward.

I want to figure out why I keep having these mini anxiety attacks- a rush of adrenaline and a racing heart- from just a glimmer of a thought. I don't even know what the thought is, it's just background noise in my head.

I want to be one with my horse, move with him rather than being on a different wavelength, both of us desperately trying to connect, and failing.

Most of all I want to reclaim my zest. I am floating along at a low level of happy, which is better than sad!, but I want my enthusiasm, my emotion, my highes, my big dreams and huge plans back. I want joyful rushes if adrenaline and racing heart.

I guess I just want ME back.

Breathing

5/13/14 Tuesday 22:38

I feel amazing. I can BREATHE. Easily, freely and without thought.

Today the ENT I self referred to performed surgery on my septum, sinuses and turbinates. My nose is splinted and draining gruesomely, but I can breathe. For the first time. I didn't even realize how HARD, how EXHAUSTING breathing has always been. I thought this surgery might help me breathe during exercise and while sleeping. Might. Now I believe it will completely change my life.

For years I've struggled with fatigue and funky muscle reactions. I've completed two Whole 30 strict paleo diets in the pursuit of being the physical person trapped inside. It helped, but the symptoms persisted.

And now... everything is possible, plausible! I had quite the day and I am just now ready to sleep, despite the post surgery drug cocktail on board and the healing to still take place.

Wow.

Just WOW.

This weekend I was trying to clean the house, the car, do laundry, change the linens, do dishes, organize files, etc, etc. And I read books. I didn't have the energy, the drive to accomplish setting myself up for a successful recovery. I read book upon book instead. I tried and got some done, but finally I had to let go.

Let go of trying to be perfect. Let go of being my best all the time. Let go of doing it ALL. Let go of independence.

Accepted my need for help. Accepted my inability to 'git r done'. Accepted my imperfection.

I got the important stuff done. Not perfect, not ideal, but the goal was met. To take of myself before I was unable to do so.

Now I wonder...what will life be like with oxygen flooding my brain, my heart, my muscles? Will I stop having to fight every single day just to find the energy for the basic requirements of life? Of my love and passion for horses? What will breathing do for my riding? For my love of running but the misery of oxygen starvation while trying?

Wow.

Just WOW.

Such an incredible future to look forward to.

Summer's Coming!

5/7/14 Wednesday 14:14

I'm at the anesthesiologist's office waiting for my appointment, it's a glorious day and I've had a sudden invite to drive to the coast tonight. Pretty excited!

Cinco de Mayo

5/5/15 Monday 13:58

It's been a very up and down day. I'm off work and the weather was gorgeous this morning. I'm just thankful to have a day away from work, to think and reflect and just breathe for a minute.

Hanging Out

4/26/14 16:14

I'm waiting for my tires to get rotated so I have some free time and I'm not putting off posting anymore.

Its been a good month. Getting things in order, scheduling sinus surgery, starting physical therapy, changing my diet and giving up sugar, caffeine and grains, horses have all their vet, chiropractic and farrier car current and look great post-shedding.

I washed and polished up my car so it doesn't look so neglected! Yesterday I changed my own oil for the first time. Now that I've done that, I can say I'd rather pay somebody else to do it! But I have a certain oil and filter I want to use, so I'm kind of stuck doing it myself.

I'm still not feeling awesome, but hopefully in about 3 months, after I've healed from surgery, have been eating better and learn how to stand/move properly in physical therapy, I'll be a whole new person!

Instant Happiness

4/10/14 00:17

Sunshine. Glorious warm Spring days. Vibrant green grass. Flowers blooming everywhere. Weather like this is why I live in Oregon.

The horses are glossy and content, full of spring hijinks, I'm energized by the space created in my life by Harmony's departure, and stuff is getting done. The daily stuff that I've been so far behind on for so long...cooking, cleaning, grooming and training the horses...is all getting done, despite starting on a Whole 30 and passing out after work because there's no sugar and caffeine to keep me going.

I'm energized in spite of the exhaustion from adjusting to new diet and getting more done than ever, which is amazing to think about. How can I be so tired and spend so much time sleeping after work and still get all this done?! Guess it's just happy fuel!

Sometimes....

4/6/14 20:07

I just need a boot to the bum! These last days and weeks I've been asking myself where I am going, if I'm just floating along or if I'm really letting go of unreasonable expectations. I want to be happy, I know what makes me happy, and yet somehow I've lost that moment treasuring joie d'viv.

So here I've been, questioning my accomplishments and where I'm going and feeling like I haven't really DONE anything. I haven't been writing more than 'I did such and such' once a week in my journal, I haven't been working on either of my books, I haven't been saving for a rainy day, I've just been adjusting to a new reality. And apparently, I see now, beating myself up for needing some time to adjust and comprehend the impact of my new norm!

In just a month, I have freedom I've only dreamed of (my own horse hauling rig, a horse trailer free and clear), I've sold Harmony and gained all the financial, emotional and free time that entails, I've put Hoodlum in professional training, and I'm well on my way to having 3 top notch show horses ready to go. For the first time ever. I've never had any of this and it's what I've always dreamed of! And it all came together in a month! WOW! WOW! WOW!!!

This afternoon I drove up to Corvallis, in the glorious perfect spring sunshine and saw Harmony, relaxed and happy with her new Mom in an enormous stall with a huge window where everyone admires and adorea her as they walk by. She is as relaxed as I have ever seen her. I have taken this mare so far...from a wild, practically feral 3 year old, to this. I did my part to ensure her a great future and now I've sent her on to it, freeing myself in the process. THAT is definitely something to be thankful for!